the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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