The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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