Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
