whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
