That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
