i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
