I murdered the dance floor call the cops
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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