well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
