I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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