Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
