the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
