Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
