My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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