I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
