Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
