Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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