so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
