Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
In America we eat man semen.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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