To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
honey bunches of taint.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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