I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize