Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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