i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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