Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
