i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
