Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
