Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
