TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize