I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
