Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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