I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
