So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
