...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
