just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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