Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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