Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
