Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
