I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
