I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize