my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
