I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
