In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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