I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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