Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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