Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
