are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
