Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Let the clothes fall where they may.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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