Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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