You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
