I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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