I think I am morally bankrupt
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
