glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No subtext here. People are naked.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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