Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
