Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
