How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
