That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
