Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
