You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
